As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
