why do cheetos always look like penises
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
