thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
