I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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