lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
