I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
