I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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