Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
