He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
