...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
