i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
