somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
