Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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