running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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