Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
