who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
