I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize