mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
