she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
