Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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