I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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