Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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