Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
