He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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