Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
