tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
