I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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