I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
