You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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