I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
