The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
