She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
