Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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