Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
