saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
