I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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