Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
