If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
