i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
