I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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