I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
