I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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