I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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