theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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