Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
