A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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