just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
