Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
