Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
