boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
and you fell through a lawn chair
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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