I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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