I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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