Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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