Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
