Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
