Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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