I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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