it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
