just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
